Jesus wouldn't steal pop tarts. So why did you?
I wish you could order shots online.
i'm glad we're now at the level of friendship where we can comfortably discuss the quality of our shit
as my niece was drinking milk out of a crown royal glass i realized i dont think i've ever bought a glass that didnt come with a bottle of liquor....
My night sucks. It's really hard to masturbate with a broken finger.
You can come over, sure. But I'll be watching college hockey during the blow job.
i looked at my phone & had a message that said "tell your friend she needs to clean my livingroom, i dont appreciate her trying to turn it into a bubblebath." I give you probs.
he's gonorrhea incarnate
He was president of his frat and had a clap on disco ball in his room... or course I slept with him
Ugh he's so pretty though. He bit my face at the bar because I tried to steal his ID and I forgave him
I tell you, MacGyver never had to put up with people shitting themselves while he worked...
she fell asleep in a torn bush after playing cards at a nursing home.
I'm not complaining, but why is it that every time I hang out with you I come home with random injuries and random girls?
He texted me at 4:30 in the morning saying "I'm not drunk but I think you're beautiful" and then a facebook message at 6 am saying "hi" and the subject was "oh"
I may or may not have puked near a bear on the side of the road this morning.
Randomize
