what has become of my life if the best thing thats happened to me this week is that i discovered my cleavage as the best hiding spot ever for weed.
Some creeps at the festival started talking to me, so I told them I was going change my tampon. Worked like a charm.
Legitimately semi-blackout across the table from the governor off a chardonnay i can't even pronounce.
his apartment was in a funeral home, walk of shamed through a visiation in the skankiest outfit i own
I told you, I don't give a SHIT about their music. I JUST. WANT. TO FUCK. THE BASSIST.
I can't help but feel like we would be friends still if my phone didn't always capitalize BUTTLOAD...
I may have to marry her. She is smarter than me and has a six figure job and doesn't want to have kids. All I have to be is a trophy husband.
do you remember showing me a picture of your husbands penis last night?
yea! the mushroom one. i would only show you.
You brought string cheese to the strip club
Honestly I am too high to watch videos of you jerking off right now
I JUST BROKE A NAIL MASTURBATING. WTF I could even enjoy my orgasm bc now I'm gonna have to spend $50 on my nails.
I'm eating a block of cheese like its a sandwich in the tsa line
My prof handed me back my essay on Lesbians in literature, gave me an A and then we had sex in her office. Told you she was gay.
Point in my hangover when I'm honestly not sure if I'm about to puke, or shit my pants.
Don't come in. My door to my bathroom won't close because of the table and I'm pooping
Classy
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