i wish i could just hire someone to go down on me every night until i fall asleep
dude all my bootycalls are going to Eclipse tonight... Do I really want it that bad?
I don't care what anyone says I want strippers at my funeral.
His rich uncle has six months to live. I feel pregnant.
Oh my god please beg your father to turn the car around so you can possibly get laid by a knight at medieval times.
I already have one guy that I have regrettable sex with. I don't need another.
You know it was a good weekend when; you leave a bi-lingual letter of apology on top of a stack of cash for hotel housekeeping.
From the guy that lifted you into a fan I'm sorry
Ok wear gym clothes just in case we feel like going shitfaced to the gym
Annnnddddd this chick is using a hand puppet made of a sock to give her research presentation...
Imma do me. And by that, I mean I'm going to walk across campus still drunk at 9am on a Tuesday.
She's trying to sext her husband for the first time. I'm feeding her lines. It is 3 am and I am playing Cyrano for my wasted big sister TELL ME I AM NOT THE BEST SISTER IN LAW ON THE PLANET.
I love that my family celebrates every holiday with a joint. Chanukah? Mazel-juana! Easter? What's more spring than the color green? Election day? What better way to celebrate democracy in action than medical pot?
I accidently sent a dick pic to the group chat with her family. Right after they all said it was a pleasure having me for dinner. Wana drink with me?
So, I'm roughly 90% sure that the guy next to me in the xray waiting room is watching porn on his phone right now
Randomize
