I was eating her out when she coughed, I just swallowed a bright red blood clot
He used my blackberry to make a voice recording of me orgasming, then set it as my ringtone while I was sleeping. I discovered this during a staff meeting this morning.
You passed out and she managed to carry you all the way back to your dorm last night. I believe your testicles now her property.
I threw up sweet potatoes. Worst thing to throw up ever. They came back mashed.
To be honest i'm almost glad he got arrested. His girlfriend and i kept making out so i'm pretty sure the alternative was a threesome. Now we're just the trashy girls who visit him in jail.
My Yoga instructor is playing the music from 'Requiem for a Dream' it makes me very reluctant to put my ass in the air
I think I'm still drunk...I just gave my empty conditioner bottle a break-up speech before I threw it away.
Got drunkdialed by my estranged mom while wallowing in pinkeye drinking 100 proof eating ramen alone. Year summed up perfectly.
We can't do acid Disneyworld.
Shhhh less advice, more soothing words and dirty phrases
Listening to The Little Mermaid soundtrack should cure my drunkeness right?
Vacuum the place before you go out of town there are random glitter cocks everywhere
I really need to stop turning to the BDSM dungeon masters of tinder whenever my heart hurts
You can now call me Rabbi, and I can now perform weddings, funerals, and other services in all fifty states. You're welcome, world.
According to the office gossip the new secretary is “a homewrecking whore”. Think I should spend $27 on a fake wedding ring?
Yes! Want that picture of you and my nephew?
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