why did your cousin post "out tonight" on facebook? doesn't he know it's only 1 in the afternoon?
shhh don't tell him. it's cloudy out and none of his clocks work
You were eating microwaved pad thai out of a solo cup with a pair of scissors....
i told my boss i want to eat her tits. 90 percent sure i'm getting fired
I told them I got hit by a car again and now im pretty sure they think im being abused but there was no way in hell the truth was going to fly. Employed people aren't supposed to break their faces in piggy back ride accidents.
I think winning the long island race means you lose at life
Some idiot from high school is in the hospital for bonging three beers up his ass
He should have died. Natural selection.
She left me naked in my bed and without my phone I had her give me her phone number on the calculator on my laptop. It might be fake.
According to you, you were with your "Eskimo bro for life" last night.
Can't keep a straight face around her after she asked me to "make fuck to her."
And everyone was looking at me because it was cold and I was drunk and may have screamed "oh fuck" ... You know what, fuck that. What do people think they're getting at Denny's 2 in the morning
So maybe I got drunk and hooked up with him in a hot tub? I mean that's nothing to be ashamed of, that kind of takes talent. I'd drown.
Fucking holidays. How do I have this many men who want to fuck me and none of them are available when I'm ready to blow my top?
I'm in your room because it's a safe space. Is it ok to pee in here?
He noticed my new Lipstick so later tonight it's going to be on his dick.
The magnum condom fits. I feel like a manly version of cinderella
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