Hes a 32 yr old divorced sailor that calls me almost every night drunk begging me to call him big daddy. I think i might need to change my number.
why are there beer bottles in my dishwasher?
It's either jizz or frosting, and either way, someone's being held accountable.
Just pissed by glowstick light. Bad idea.
I swear 95% of pictures on my phone are from drunken nights I don't remember with me doing a peace sign alone in somebody's bedroom.
I ripped the door frame off last night too. Just remembered.
Irrelevant. Does he have queso? That's the real question.
When you finally get laid, I shall make you a trophy out of dildos
And after peeing my pants waiting outside for him, i proceeded to drop down and roll in the nearest puddle to pretend like i just ate shit when he arrived
It's like the first time your mom catches you masturbating. We both know what she saw. We're just not talking about it...
Until you have had Country Grammar stuck in your head whilst writing a Supreme Court brief you've never lived.
BILL GATES DONALD TRUMP LET ME IN NOW
You caught me at a bad time. I'm stoned enough that I'm ready to sleep but also not stoned enough that I wanna smoke again but also stoned enough to not wanna drive anywhere
Wait are we really having an orgy on Tuesday?
We fucked for 9 months, but he didn't want anything serious. So, I got rid of him and went on a date with a guy last night that looks like Kylo Ren. Who's really winning here?
Is constant horniness a medical condition? Because a husband, a boyfriend and an office side piece should be enough penis for one girl - but they’re not :-(
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