at some point when you're making out with the ex girlfriend of your ex fuck buddy who happens to be the ex boyfriend of the girl that you just got drunk with who was hitting on your current fuck buddy who is best friends with your ex boyfriend, it just hits you: oh my god i need to get out more and expand my social circle.
i just turned barefoot contessa into a drinking game. everytime she uses a knife butter or salt i drink.
His stupid grin looks like he's mid-ejaculation
You probably shouldn't be hiding under someones bed listening to them get head
oh my god. my mom just found my pipe. she thought it was a dildo.
like i said, there should be a sitcom about your family.
My mom's crying. That means it must be Christmas.
kinda considering buying a life alert for sophmore year
I'm drinking vodka out of a coffee pot. and i'm not even mad about it
Yeah like 200 white people came and they are playing that one Biggie Smalls song everyone knows.
Well obviously when I get drunk my intelligence level surpasses yours and that's why you can't understand me.
No, we will not be going out tonight. We are trying to grow the toy donkey in whiskey rather than water. Serious fucking science. Have fun at the boring bar while we Bill Nye it up in this bitch.
No. More. Tequila. Even the hot dog guy felt bad for me and you know that guy has seen some crazy shit.
And regarding bottomless mimosas stopping at 1 pm, there was a chick who drove her car into the back of the bar. Blame that bitch, not you peeing in the koi pond.
Aside from having sex with a rando in a toga on george's couch i think taking plan b in the library is the most hashtag college thing i've ever done
They took the TVs out of the gym and the mini-Mart only had 2% milk. 2015 wants me to be fat
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