I'm not a real person
I'm sorry, everyone knows that
Too much gin, very little bucket
Just saw an old man buy two cases of keystone light, a case of milwaukee's best and a case of icehouse. Degenerate alcoholic of senior citizen of the year?
I'm so glad i pay social security
Held my professor's hair back while she was puking. I'd better get an A out of this or else the pics are going on Facebook.
Did they have a limo or was i just stoned?
Come over and play the Jeter 3000 drinking game. You drink if the commentators say "captain" or "3000". I'll drink if they say "overrated" or "past his prime".
my mom went out and bought me new sheets and redecorated my room. its like she's more excited for me to get laid tomorrow for the first time in two months than I am.
He held back my hair as I puked, then kindly asked me to slightly move my head over and pissed right next to my face.
who's job is it to make sure we don't run out of tp since the incident of 09'... Thats right you go get some
You went through my pantry and left one of everything in the box. One cracker. One cheesit. One piece of cereal. I really fucking hate you.
you kept saying "i will not *breathe* regret this *breathe* in the morning *breathe* i just gotta remember *breathe* to BREATHE"
I almost died today via plastic wrap. I AM THE REASON THEY PUT WARNING LABELS ON THINGS.
Please tell me I made it home with both shoes on
Nope
I just had sex with the Sheriff's Deputy. You should call me.
Fun fact: You might be drunk if your vision is so blurry that you almost ask "do you know where my glasses are?" while you're wearing them.
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