Masturbating after my cheeseburger. It's unavoidable.
I wish they made helmets for livers.
You're just mad at the fact that I want to be a car alarm.
if u cant get laid at this wedding we need to have a looooooong talk about the possibility of u becoming a lesbian
It went alright, nothing too special, just got threatened with a knife by our server.
Yeah. He can't come because his mom found the pizza box under his bed with my underwear in it. He acted confused, guess because i forgot to tell him..
This place smells like bottom shelf liquor and broken dreams
Let's be honest, your relationships fail because the man you're looking for is the equivalent of an intellectual blow-up doll.
Happy Birhtday!
Dad, it's 3am and it's not my birthday... wherever you are, go home
We were in his kitchen and she turned to me with a straight face and an avocado in her hand and said "Can we steal this?"
Waking up in a NH rest stop and reading through my texts is definitely a familiar low
You would critique a dick pic. Damn art people.
My farts smell like burning tires and false courage
Nice girl until she takes off the fake human suit and shows you the flesh eating demon she truly is
Oh my god, my vagina is cursed. He's cursed my vagina so that no one but him can maintain a boner around me. I'm sure of it.
Randomize
