he just asked me if he could show me what he wanted to do to me using his action figures. where do i find these freaks?
you were so high you spent the rest of the night smelling pepper to prove you can sneeze with your eyes open
when your friendship is based on dead babies and vodka there is a delicate balance. lesson learned. for what its worth, you are still my number one.
You compared your dick to a twizzler. In no way, shape, or form is that a turn on.
... there are chew marks on my license. I have no idea.
i promise the blood crusted on your tits is from him motorboating you after he tripped into the pool stick. nothing else.
i love all of you. Physical. Emotional. Mental. All of it. When we speak i feel like a feather or a dragon depending on the conversation ...
Oh wait looks like my cousin is getting deported THERE'S HOPE FOR THIS CHRISTMAS YET
we got kicked out of McDonald's because you kept screaming THAT SHIT CRAY at the woman in front of us because she ordered a fish filet.
...that shit cray.
You kept yelling in my face " YOU'RE GONNA HAVE TO SUCK A DICK TONIGHT!"
I either have a razor blade lodged in my throat or I've been drinking entirely too much Evan Williams.
Debating going to the grocery store with my vibrator still in, cause I can't stand the idea of it out. Lets do some risk/reward
My vagina is glad I'm back at work because it needs a vacation after working all through my vacation.
at first i said "no rollerblading if I'm going to be drunk," but we all know how that went
Idk, apparently drinking five Four Loko's and trying to fight a mailbox constitutes disorderly conduct.
Randomize
