The woman in front of me has a completely clear purse. I can see everything. It's ballsy because her vagisil is on display.
I threw a jar of pickles out the window at a police car, why was that not a good enough reason to put me to bed?
Apparently i just threw up in the bathroom, i told them i just blew my nose. i don't think they believe me...
At a Jewish lesbian wedding. I stick out like a sore, uncircumcised penis.
Found a Safeway Deli Sandwich in the shower this morning... Perhaps the 9th beer was unnecessary.
Thats the last time im "arresting" you to get out of paying your bar tab.
What?! The only reason I married your sister is to have a Cop in the family!
Myy bathroom floor makes me think I'm on Mars. Also. Did you realize that yesterday we perfected thee mind high-five??
It might've been him telling me last night that he "doesn't even need beer goggles to fuck me." When I thought that was sweet, I realized something needed to change.
When she asked why I felt bad I said that it may have had something to do with the gin and cold pizza I had for breakfast.... And then I reflected on what my life has become.
Didn't have the heart to tell him that while he was eating my ass I was laughing, not moaning, into the pillow
I remember the Prince Albert and the three penises in the threesome. But the rest no.
How so I keep attracting the virgins? HOW?
You talk about your love for your ninja turtle onesie when you're drunk. Are you really surprised?
If one more person says Merry Christmas to me I’m going to take a pen out of my pocketbook and stab them in the eye
I hope no one at work can tell or smell that I have tequila in my hair and I haven't showered for days
Why are you hurting?
Tried to drink all the beer in Nashville last night....failed.
Randomize
