Fun fact: when I ripped off my wristband, I punched myself in the face. Rad
My sis friend said it was fake then described it as "scary"...greatest adj ever applied to my dick
Really stoned
just sent my roommate on a cheese run
Of course, I believed he would find me irrestible...sloppy drunk, chugging from a bottle of chardonnay, and completely naked because those kids stole my clothes as I was swimming on their private beach
please stop judging me for buying a handle of soco on a thursday at 10am. it was on sale, i'm thinking of my future.
As i lay in bed, clutching my face, i'm starting to believe your dick in my eye story.
Why not. Its my b-day, you're in town, I'm in town, bars are in town, and alcohol is in town. I don't see anything not good about those things.
I think as far as last words to bitter ex girlfriends go, "enjoy that staph infection youre about to get in your uterus" is right up there with the best
Note for the future: whiskey syrup is AMAZING on 3am pancakes.
I want to be your penis for a week.
I hooked up with a guy that had a beard last night felt like I was building a fucken log cabin
Of course I'm using oj as a mixer, its flu season.
This is it. This is the birthday cake that gets me laid.
Plus you get to call him out on being a dick. It's more satisfying than ever sex I've ever had.
I should stop pointing to my vagina when I say "I'm in charge!"
Randomize
