Someone should tell Glenda that I only hang with her because she makes me look prettier.
If I sit on the seam of my jeans just the right way when the bass hits, this might be my new favorite band.
so whats your words to drink to for the state of the union? mine are 'change' 'fight' and 'you know'.
mine is 'the'.
God gave him joint rollers for hands
I definitely hasselhoffed a taco bell burrito on my kitchen floor in front of my dad and little brother.
I just texted him and asked him to keep some in case I need help sealing the deal.
Girl Scout cookies are like roofies for fat chicks.
Please don't place wagers on my sex life unless you are giving me a cut. With my current sluttiness I feel like I deserve 40% for how much money you'll make
My signature move is making guys wonder why they bothered in the first place
My doctor said I can only have one drink at a time, ever, from now on. My life has officially started its decline.
Painting strippers breast and vaginas to look like easter eggs. What r u doing tonight.
Something must have happened, they started yelling truffle butter and you said we needed to leave NOW
his mom called during sex and he made me talk to her I think we're getting serious
Tip of the day: Don't Amazon vibrators when your WHOLE FAMILY uses your prime account. There's dildo after dildo showing up in my "Related to Items You've Viewed" category on the home page.
Yeah, sorry about that. Dropped the phone on my face while I was watching porn.
If there was a gecko involved in your BDSM I'm gonna have to request that not happen when we live together ;)
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