I'd rather drink alone in my closet than hang out with that girl
So I just went home and made my own spanx by cutting the legs off of a pair of nylons. I'm either a genius or missed my calling to live in a trailer park.
I just came up with the perfect plan. Once i'm a dentist i'm going to offer dad a million dollars to divorce mom.
Their was just 7 people standing outside eating a costco chicken, definitley at the right party
Rode my bike to work still drunk. Almost threw up on a camper while getting him out of his parents car.
She's cute, but batshit. Like some kind of dominatrix disney princess.
I just want to let you know how hung over I am today and I fucked a girl in a kangaroo costume last night.
Well Apparently I went to piss out my window last night, woulda been ok if I opened the window or the blinds.
Your first mistake was thinking that you could get through the day without drinking a single bottle of alcohol. Your second mistake was wearing shark boxers.
One door closes, one man cooks for you through the next open door
Are you seriously getting this frustrated over a hand-job right now?
I swear to god if you settle for a trump supporting packers fan, I will not acknowledge your children. You're better than that.
I melted cheese on my pizza rolls. When I die make sure someone melts cheese on my rolls.
I mean, drunk me really liked him, maybe sober me will too. Who am I to deny fate?
dont ever go to laser tag drunk. you will be judged.
Randomize
