life is too short to starve
life is also too short to be fat
Okay, I have a threesome with foreigners and suddenly I'm a man-whore
is it considered a "problem" when you find a pickle slice in your bed in the morning or is it like a "super-awesome bonus"?
Who did Billy Mays play for?
The crowing achievement of my life is still the time I made a 3 course meal out of things I found in the dumpster.
Gay walks of shame are so much more Amy Winehouse than straight girls
why is my clorox wipe dispenser full of tortillas?
I just want to apologize for screaming when I saw you the other day. It's just that you looked really gross and I was high.
MTV Made just made me cry. Where have all of my life goals gone?
Still not exactly sure how i unbolted your toilet from the ground.
How am I suppose to fully love you when you cant even open up and try to fulfill my midget fantasy
Speaking is such a hard concept right now
Ur gonna wake up early as dick tomorrow to do some responsible shit but im the one up at 3 am right now cooking brats soaked in keystone light so fuck your falling asleep ass bitch
Nah its cool some of my cousins have fucked the same girls and brought them on family vacations and everything.
I was trying to be good but he showed up with dinner and wine and I exploded. Like a bomb. A dirty, sexy bomb
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