Bea Arthur died yesterday
You shut your stupid mouth
Betty White is next, I just know it.
Betty White will never die! She's like Dick Clark. Rue McCalahan is next.
I think a homeless person took a bath in my mouth while I was sleeping :(
Now that I'm 21, I feel like I'm letting North Dakota down by not being drunk everyday
I listened to the last 10 minutes of that 20 minute voicemail, it's solid gold. At one point he literally suggests we buy tasers and go around shooting people.
Why does he only make me orgasm when I'm about to break up with him?
She started licking your face, then you turned to me and said "I guess thats my cue", and you proceeded to hook up with her.
The bouncer was kicking me out and I put up my finger for him to wait while I chugged the rest of my drink..all he could say is "are you serious right now?"
Sorry really high. We have no lighter so we're lighting the bowl with rolled up paper towels lit by candle which also lit with a rolled up paper towel that we lit with the stove eye
Dude I just came exactly at the crescendo of the Catalina wine mixer duet from step brothers.. Advance to next level.
Dinner at my parents is vodka, lemonade, cheese ad crackers. Why would I leave?
Just sent my mother the text "we need to get our vaginas looked at this thursday". Hows your day going?
Please send pictures of any nice new years ladies you run across in town, as I've forgotten what women look like.
I'm at the store buying a new phone cause I pissed all over mine last night. Drunk me is expensive as shit.
walk of shame across osu's campus on game day. i can see all the spots i threw up last night. its like my personal yellow brick road.
Sorry I missed your call. I was in the shower washing away my sins and sweat. Please tell me you want to get drunk as shit later.
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