I just woke up with a girl who has left and right tattoed on her wrists. In french. I may need to stop drinking.
i hit her car. ill just send her a farmville gift in the morning. then it'll be alright.
tell me how i ended up in the movie theater alone with a bottle of smirnoff and a bendy straw.
So my birthday was awesome. Only remember 45 min of it but I woke up with a girl on the couch and a half bowl of ground beef
Dude. It just hit me for a second time. My thumbs are huge and moving very quickly. Like stampeding buffalo...
He actually has his life put together though, during the date we walked by a shoppers drugmart where my friend and I once flashed a janitor and all I could wonder was how does he not see shit show written all over me?
Our relationship is representative of a cognitive bias that leads to bad decision making and misplacement of resources. So should we pick up some whiskey tomorrow?
When everyone ask you tomorrow go ahead and tell them I'm the girl that fell of safe ride and was all bloody.
Damn you and your marathon penis with its superhuman capabilities
Looks better than the half a blow job I got the other night which I had to finish myself. From a chick I refer to simply as "mom jeans".
You know what the worst feeling in the world is? Sitting in your 6pm AA meeting still hungover from the night before
Best part about a crippling state-wide drought? Actually having a valid excuse for not showering
I learned a valuable lesson about combining day drinking with malt liquor: you may think you have super powers, but that's just the Steel Reserve talking.
Is there a single word to describe 'the last guy she slept with before meeting her husband'? Cause there should be.
the last i saw he was butt naked on the top deck of the bus trying to conduct a drunken choir so i really have no idea
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