i had a dream that your penis turned into a long neck dinosaur
did it start talking like on Land before time?
Am I a whore if I make out with a boy just so michelle can't?
Manscaping on you would be like trying to clean up the oil spill with a dixie cup.
I knew his night was already over when he started marking lines on the bottle and setting goals
I don't have nearly enough visine for the dryness from sticking my head out the window on the freeway for 20 minutes. Child lock me next time.
I'm laying in the fetal position on the floor of my kitchen eating potato salad with my fingers. Please come over with some real food and keep me company.
I can already see the regret in her eyes. Amazing night. This city rules.
I miss living with her. She was the only person who was a bigger train wreck than I am.
You forgot your "boyfriend" from last night on my couch. You're suppose to bring that shit with you.
When I said to give it to me hard and fast, I didn't mean like 15 seconds fast.
I'm having post-experience "why didn't I fuck her in a public bathroom" regrets
Dude, I'm trippin balls. For real, I thought this bag on my floor was my dog for the longest time...
I swear to God if you start calling your dick “my pegasus” we’re not friends anymore
If my one night stand asked me to move in with him right after does it still count as a one nighter?
We somehow ended up in Oklahoma. Nick's been crapping for two hours and I'm afraid to call a doctor because who the hell knows what sort of stuff goes down in the middle of nowhere. So not a great long weekend really.
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