The only thing I want to hear out of a girl's mouth tonight is, "slurp".
I got tired of walking to the bathroom that I decided to throw up in a cup. I now have 3 cups full of vomit on top of my mini fridge
It's going to be great. We're a perfect team to break up marriages and happiness.
Wife passed out. Doing shots with the hot bartender... Don't tell me I don't know how to celebrate a 1yr anniversary
We've already decided our costumes for next Halloween. She's going as Cookie Monster and I'm going as Elmo. She's just going to ask for Oatmeal Cookie shots, and I'm asking for Red-Headed Slut shots.
Dude, its January.
We're going to do the voices too.
she called for a booty call so i sent mike as my stunt double
Dude you ate toast sprawled out on my kitchen floor and said "this is comfy". No more day drinking.
I literally used, "MY VAGINA IS TOO FANTASTIC FOR HIM TO STAY GAY" as a valid argument for attempting to fuck my gay friend.
do you want to shower with me?
only if we can drink the jungle juice while we shower
It took years to build this empire of casual fuckings and not carings.
It isn't easy. I met him at the gym. He wanted to go out he doesn't drive so I drove and he wanted Dairy Queen where his sister is the manager. This is dating in my 20's
I don't need no damn man when I have the cock-a-nator 2000.
I mean, don't most people have like a two week grace period where it's okay to ditch new friends?
Lots of tissues. Maybe pizza. Only time will tell. The stages of political grief.
She shaved her vagina in my bed. Good night
Randomize
