ad ew i am wasted whats my problem
I drank like a thousand beers last night and my poo is solid, not gross like usual. I think this means I've grown up.
I believe that I finger-banged my way to the top of the corporate ladder.
the guy in front of me just bought a pound of bacon, a bouquet, and a case of budlight, i want to see THAT makeup sex
you assured me you'd make it home safe because your pizza rolls were waiting up for you.
My epitaph should read "Margaritas: she never learned"
He sent me a picture of his dick earlier so now we can all laugh at him tomorrow
I came to the party for him. I don't know where he went, but I mentioned being hungry and his housemate brought me a huge tupperware container of berry cobbler. I think I'll stay.
I just watched two grown men tickle-fight. Just glorious. No words.
The last time I've felt a woman's touch, the twin towers were compromised. You can wait like one week
What shade of lipstick clearly states, I'm only attending this wedding for the drugs and groomsmen?
I mean, if you want to light yourself on fire for maximum accuracy, far be it from me to stop you
You were trying to be sexy by spraying your contact solution on your chest and telling me to lick it off
I just bartered a blowjob for the ex-fiancée's engagement ring. FTW!
Highlight of the day: got a bunch of drunks to sing baby shark.
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