I woke up to a bunch of college seniors jacking off a horse in my face. Geuss who didnt move in time?
Just assessed the damage in the bath. Two love bites. One bruise on the inner thigh. Strange awareness of what i'm assuming is my cervix. I've definitely missed you. x
Just got Netflix. Dexter Marathon. Still in my PJ's. Only eaten cookie dough and drinking a 40. I have never reeked so strongly of lonely .
We convinced him to snort an altoid. We should not be allowed to drink together
One girl peed the bed, one lost her panties, another woke up on the piano, I have pink eye and door knobs are missing. This is why I stay in Nebraska
level of my singleness - just ate a whole pizza topless in bed.
Is that you who's passed out on my treadmill?
my goal was to make out with as many people dressed as batman as possible. I have my priorities.
Happiness is watching your asshole boss' police DUI video.
iphones do not disturb setting is the biggest cock block to my 3am booty calls
I bought new panties to console myself ... you know, because I am going to lose my ovaries. Well, if I don't die of a heart attack first. But at least when the EMS folks find me, I'll be finely dressed from the waist down.
THERE IS A MOTHERFUCKING HUMMINGBIRD FLYING AROUND IN OUR HOUSE RIGHT NOW HOW DO I GET IT OUT????
Hope you are okay. You were running down the street with shopping cart at one point and yelling "bitches aint shit!"
She turned down sex for beer pong. I'm not sure if I should be disappointed or not.
ya well i woke up to my roommate spraying me with windex...
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