textsfromlastnight.com keeps rejecting me
that alone proves you never get laid, nor have a life.. or have anything funny to contribute to the world.
hooked up with a girl who spoke elfish last night..what up 8th grade lord of the rings fantasies
Don't blame me for eating all the ham.. I gave it out to people, so at most I'm guilty of ham distribution
Don't use the things I tell you while drunk after the bruins won the cup against me
sleazy september. first one with mono loses.
Don't feel bad sweetie, you're not the only classy one in town. I'm still driving around with that tupperware of tequila in my cup holder from last week's Margarita Monday.
I think we can all agree that the size of her boobs, combined with beer, is destroying my ability to judge looks.
Up until today, I never would have thought I'd have to tell someone not to color on the cat
This guy kept trying to use "see? I'm clean. Cleared by the plasma place today." as a pick up line. This is not okay.
He was having this drunk emotional breakdown and I was just trying to cheer him up but instead fell and dumped the whole pickle jar on me
It was cool though because he was fine afterwards and somehow I convinced them I did it on purpose...
You guys are like the reason that ketamine is a controlled substance.
I guess you never know how much of an impact you have on someone until you sleep with their cousin
he just fucked me for my cheese..
It's less than a hour into 2020 and I already want to punch some people in the face
you have 10 seconds to explain why the toilet is full of bread or its ALL GOING ON YOUR BED.
Randomize
