On valentines day I took a girl on a date that I suspect was homeless
So I went on a date with this girl...and whos our waitress? My girlfriend got a second job she didn't tell me about to afford my bday present.
You know its bad when convincing your mother you were masturbating is the better alternative
Handcuffed. To. Steering. Wheel. Fuck.
He did the "not my house dance." Apparently it involves spreading cereal on the floor and then grinding into the carpet in bare feet while singing "not my house" over and over and dancing.
You got the whole drunk bus to sing, "In The Jungle" while conducting with your glowsticks.
Like he and the nurses kept being so persistent with it and I just wanted to run out of there in my backless gown and yell FUCK OFF BITCHES IM OUT
you just cant say you love him and then say you want to fuck your boss
Showing girls my stab wound was not the brilliant idea I thought it was.
I barely trust you with my tinder, why would I let you take the staples out of my head?!
can we drink soon
I'm not sure who this is but I'm free tomorrow night
Dude this weed has me so paranoid.
Yeah tell me about it I just screamed after I coughed because my own cough scared me.
We were drunk at 3am with no food. I sent him to the lobby with ninety cents for like a bag of chips and I swear on my life he came back with a meatball sub
...did you ask him where he got a meatball sub at 3:00am?
He just kept mumbling something about being a hunter/gatherer
Oh AND he got us two bags of chips.
boys just don't understand what they're missing out on.
he's missing out on my boobs looking marvelous this evening.
I'll start cleaning the house tonight darlin. So you don't have to fuck your two boytoys in the driveway the next two days.
Randomize
