M and I are hungry and we are making your pizza in the fridge. But you're having sex and we're not so we dont feel bad.
He asked if it was my vagina. I told him it was my butt. Clearly I need to buy him a map of the female form.
he was so high that he wouldn't speak to anybody for like 30 minutes, he'd only gobble, like a turkey.
False alarm I know hes alive because when i tried shaking him awake he pissed his pants and rolled over..
Hint of advice dont get with minor league baseball players, you can google their stats but not their stds.
im starting to recognize places in this city by where i have drunkenly peed in public
I'M ALSO PLAYING VIDEO GAMES AND THINKING ABOUT ORDERING A PJIZZA. I'M NOT SURE WHAT MY MUSTACHE WANTS.
I'm using my breathalyzer result sheet as a coaster for my 40.
Making a me burrito to ward off the cold...and the aloneness of my vagina
I lost all of my bathing suit tops.. This is both a success and a failure
Trying to decide who to DD on the fourth and I came up with a Who's who of guys I've hooked up with in the last month. Not an ideal situation, but I have a feeling it's gonna happen anyway.
If I showed up at your door with pizza and a bottle of tequila wearing nothing but chaps and a fireman helmet, would you send me away?
He yelled at me to keep it in my pants and I replied with I will fuck your roommate as much as I please. Oops
I hope you have your own chainsaw cause I didn’t buy one for you. It was a gross oversight on my part
My theory is if i keep drinking, evolution will kick in and I will grow a bigger, faster, and more improved liver by January.
Randomize
