Tell him ill love him long time
I'll assure him of it
I woke up in a strange girl's bed and rifled through her mail to get her name.
The ticket read "Found nude in a tree"
I wish the iPhone would register texts from 11:59 as "Last Year" instead of "Yesterday."
She asked me why I was wearing a Batman Suit. Have I ever needed a reason to wear a Batman Suit?
They high fived mid Eiffel Tower, then we all proceeded to talk about how our friendship is much stronger now. I'd say a successful first threesome.
He came to the party late, didn't bring tacos, and then asked what shennanigans we were getting into. I swear I will never fuck another hipster.
the number of desperate girls at the gym right now is unfair. it would be cruel not to let one blow me.
Ummmm you know you're drinking vodka out of a Skittles bag, right?
Day drinking straight vodka out of a Mountain Dew can being towed behind a kayak on a raft. And no, there is no time difference, it really is 10 am.
You're not drunk til you wake your roommates up screaming at your ceiling fan
In other news: I massively over-caffeinated this morning. Everything is vibrating and I can SEE THROUGH TIME
Should I tell him how he got the bruise on his ass or just enjoy his theories?
The only thing that makes a night with half a bottle of cheap vodka is the other half of that bottle of cheap vodka.
i like beer, sex, and cooking. what more can he want?
Randomize
