and i was just like oh shit i'm getting felt up by a 15 year old
They seriously just ended our alcohol presentation by giving us beer cozies. I love college.
Its so hard looking at my mom and pretending I'm not dying a slow death of binge drinking
Didn't get the job. Searched for my references on FB and saw the pic of me weighing my head passed out.
...i'd have to set their sheets on fire.
We hit a deer while we were singing an acapella version of "I will always love you"
We ended up at a lesbian bar and all my co-workers tried to get me laid. This is not how I envisioned coming out.
Today is my 3 year wedding anniversary...and I've seen three different dicks.
And then he said, "let's have sex and I'll send you home with enchiladas."
Wait is this place where the strippers are missing teeth and I think one is missing a thumb? Though I don't know how she would maneuver on the pole without a thumb. Pls advise.
Hey sorry if you felt me holding your hand in the middle of the night I was actually just checking you had a pulse
I'll start cleaning the house tonight darlin. So you don't have to fuck your two boytoys in the driveway the next two days.
You guys do the cocaine and I'll do the dishes.
My sister and her gf showed up at my door with no pants on at 4 AM talking claiming its hot.
Sometimes I feel like my vagina has a photographic memory of his penis. It sucks that he got engaged....
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