She's like the female version of the Momento guy. She keeps forgetting that I'm an asshole after we have sex.
I hope you get used to having plenty of sperm because you're never gonna get any.
Just met a guy who has been in college for 7 years and still classified as a junior. Then watched him shotgun 10 beers. Found my new hero
My roommate got wasted last night and went to the 24 hour Bally's Total Fitness at 3 A.M. He got back took his shirt off, made a protein shake, puked, asked me if he was almost as jacked as Ronnie Coleman then called ME gay before I could say anything and went to bed
on the bus. saw a kid get off at a red light, puke on the sidewalk, and get back on.
they're using the ping pong table for ping pong. it's weird
Just lifeguarded a kid's party hungover so I could afford to go out drinking tonight. Circle of life shit goin on here.
Do you have any idea how hard it is to iphone keyboard type "roflcopter" when intoxicated?
You are the tramp this city needs, but not the one it deserves.
Confirm that you received these messages so that I know you feel the agony of my vagina. There is such a thing as "too many penises".
I'll pretend I don't know she's blind, my morals claimed the back seat in this adventure.
I'm all set for mothers day, I let her beat me in beer pong.
I'm studying. And by studying I mean I am laying on my floor drinking boones farm alone. Last two weeks. Fuck it.
STAY IN YOUR APARTMENT. DONT GO TO SAFEWAY TO BUY CONDOMS. DONT GO TO THE VAN.
What kind of friend would I be if I didn't make you hate things you once loved?
Randomize
