I had a dream last night that we were eating cake at Mercy...hahaha. I'm furious I didn't see you.
just saw a DUI checkpoint outside of a taco bell...i feel like thats cheating...
shes still asleep dad put a lobster in her bathroom
gave myself the "you're a really good girlfriend" talk on the way to where i intentionally cheated on him. i am my own drunken therapist.
It's end St Patricks day. I'm gonna need a leash. And a bib. And a rain check on anything considered dignifying.
My cab driver has a hooker in the front seat. Really, this is serious. And weird.
I have to deal with three things I do not like this weekend. Pooping in toilets that are not mine. Air mattresses. Not beating off in the shower.
Well, let's see..I held him while he cried for 30-40 minutes, woke up on his couch AND he gave me a ride home in his underwear. Shit show is not even the half of it.
I text him "Dude. Tryna get fucked here. I only have half the parts. I need your help" I'm sure my mom would be super proud of the woman I have become.
you walked in on him eating me out and screamed SHE'LL BREAK YOUR HEART BRO before body slamming on the ground and passing out on the floor
Come over. I've made 2 dinners and so many cocktails. I'm a 50's housewife with no family.
Can't tell if its the LSD or if that demon man just stared at my penis. Cleveland is a weird place. All true stories.
I'm eating tortillas right now. Like not cooked tortillas. Someone is playing the guitar. Man with bandana.
I started my period on international women's day. It's like the world is congratulating me and punishing me for being a woman at the same time
let me wake up, find my pants, and find out where i am tommorow and ill get back to you on that
Randomize
