you were grabbing cocks left and right
you literally grabbed sam's dick and said, "who's cock is this?!"
i just looked at my contacts and realized i saved the pizza hut girl's number as "fckucin pizza" the other night.
hes totally cute, too bad i slept with his father
I'm also annoyed at my horoscope for not warning me of my perils
I'll try not to. I have an appointment at the hospital tomorrow so my goal is to wake up there.
Drinking with mariachis at jimmy johns.
Dude squirt doesnt even begin to describe it i thought she was the lost portal to atlantis with how much she let out
For future reference.... When you take a beer out of a 6pack... You don't insert your phone as a substitute.
And the sky opened up and god said.... "WET T-SHIRT CONTEST!!!!"
And remember people can't hear you kick ass in space
Woo is fucking right, dude. Vodka night tonight. Honestly, every night pretty much seeems like vodka night lately. My liver wants to move out of my body like I gave it an eviction notice.
He apologized for cumming on my leg, but not for ghosting me for 3 weeks before :(
hey man , the girl you brought home last night is in the kitchen puking in the sink and asking if she can have more shots of Whiskey....think i should give her a shot glass or send her home....
Good morning! Spongebob is on channel 257 when you wake up. Help yourself to breakfast. You were great last night. See you when I get back.
And then I woke you by humping you to Lionel Ritchie.
Randomize
