Yeah unless I can find some idiot to make love to
i am only reminding you that showing off your fellatio skills on vegetables is probably not an appropriate party trick
Sorry for talking about super scientific shit so much last night, I know it bugs you sometimes when I don't shut up.
What? You sat on the couch for a solid 2 hours staring at your fingerprints and the only word that came out of your mouth was "how"
I just used celery as a chaser. That's the level of my refrigerator.
saw a man tazing a raccoon in the middle of the street last night... normal
He got 20 stiches.. Who knew so much damage could come from a single shopping cart.
I take back all the times I've said life was unfair. I'm about to have two trained bartenders for a girlfriend and roommate
Oh, I never thought you were a dick. You were one of the best morally comprised ideas I've ever had.
can i text him and be like "oh yeah, forgot i kinda made out with a girl this weekend. For future reference, does this count as cheating?" ?
Man...I want to get monumentally fucked tonight.
Sorry brah. Drastic times called for drastic measures and I had to go home and bang a cougar.
I can't remember dinner
Hahaha "rub in the ketchup on your face, It'll just look like blush." some gay waiter said that to you, and you go "good idea!"
He was hammered and shot his pistol into the lawn. Next thing I know sheriffs are at our house with M4s. He likes to party
should i be that dick who brings a carpet in an uberpool
Why are you moving a carpet?
it's unimportant
I swear I have some evil slut demon in me when I'm blacked out
Don't we all.
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