4:25 am: I want you here. Ugh.
The more my room-mate speaks, the more I notice that she was home schooled.
he convinced me that i wont have to do the walk of shame bc he has to go to jail in the morning
I was puzzled last night that there were shots waiting for us when we got there. Just read my messages and saw you were ordering from the bar via texts.
Just orgasmed in canada. I should get a sticker or something that says I orgasmed in a different country.
he ran through my sliding door
in his defense that door gets complicated after 10 beers
We got out of the car in valet drinking beers we gave the valet one as a tip
Yeah, I'm sure we have time for sex AND ihop.
Let's be real. I'm the Usain Bolt of running away after hookups. Fastest (wo)man alive.
You ran out of his house yelling "I got the goods!" Then you pulled toilet paper rolls out from under your shirt.
I found a hot kiwi last time and sucked his dick. That's what rooftop bars are made for.
He told me to leave him behind and bury him in his batman pajamas. So two lessons I guess, don't give Tom whiskey and don't touch his daddy issues with a twenty nine and a half foot pole.
Haha i really think theres no better way to tell a paramedic sorry for breaking your nose than a beautiful and healthy edible arrangement...
I just spent 30 minutes plucking my 2 month grown out pubes with tweezers so I’m hope your night is going better than mine
I woke up in a warehouse with the words “Property of Adam” written on my chest in frosting.
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