I'm on that like soy sauce on rice
Her mom drove me home after I blew a .13 So there I am wishing her mom a happy mother's day sitting in the passenger seat where I just banged her daughter 15 min prior
I've walk of shamed through this apartment complex so many times, I think people think I live here.
He left his umbrella behind in my bed to 'keep me company', then stole my front door key before he went to work
How do I tell my child he was conceived on a barstool in South Alabama?
One good thing about being a mom now, I can tell which guys I'm dating were breastfed and which weren't... By the way they latch on to my breast during sex! Kinda kills the mood.
They seemed upset when they walked out and saw a penis in a mouth
Don't worry I'm alive. The apt is all locked up so I'm sleeping on the patio. The frozen pizza I got might be toast unless someone lets me in soon. If not its all good I'll be here snoring on the patio
I think i'm going to homewreck at this Disney on Ice show.
Just because he told you it was safe doesn't mean you should have licked it.
He caught a cramp during sex and I was like "do you want me to get you a banana?" And he responded with "I'll give you a banana" and kept going. I'm marrying him.
Moms love me. I'm the reminder that they need to turn safe search on.
I am officially in a love triangle with my celebrity crush
no its a draw, weve been through this, when were keeping score on getting laid i get a plus 1 handicap each week because of your British accent! its only fair!
I saw some guy masturbating in the Burger King parking lot and I’m just fucking done
Randomize
