dude I just sharted for the first time ever, kind of gross
well what did you think, shitting your pants would be fun
Sad Moment: I only had enough $ at 711 to buy chips or salsa. I chose salsa and took a plastic spoon
remember when mike pissed in his pants and then put a double cheeburger in the pocketsss of said wet pants for "safe keeping"? yea drunker then that.
Checked out the free sonogram van on campus and got a free DVD of my sweet food baby.
Me and a lesbian played "may the best man win" over a bi chick tonight... I lost, still fun though
How dare she call you insensitive. Should have told her about the time you let that girl in the wheelchair wearing the sombrero blow you.
I'm worried my skin won't stretch enough to handle this boner. Then what?
Yeah, if you don't like strip clubs you won't like microwave chimichangas.
After my mom met Tanner, she literally turned and said "he's from old money, top of his class at Emory, already has doctors courting him for jobs and judging from your vocal performance the other night, he's gifted in bed. Fake a pregnancy right now"
I come from her. Holy hell.
Fun times on public transportation. I just had a guy imply that I was racist cause I didn't want to talk to him when I was clearly reading my book and he was clearly on coke.
Stealing, and booze. If only you added meaningless sex with random people you would have wrapped all your life passions together
I'm standing on the corner in a banana costume and cape with frozen bananas in my utility belt reassessing my life decisions.
If my dick was big enough to fuck the eye of a hurricane, I would.
As of right now, my vibrator and a bag of snickers share the same drawer
If wanting to text you my feelings after three mojitos is wrong I don't wanna be right.
Randomize
