Woke up this morning to a janitor hitting me in the head with his bucket in the hallway of my building. An alumni was next to me because we locked ourselves out of my room and couldn't figure out where my roommates were.
Why is half of me covered in green stuff that won't come off?
You stripper-danced on a light pole in the quad. It had fresh paint on it.
This ginger kid smells like a queef popsicle
trent lit his nipple on fire and said "i am the only highlander"
Is it sad i was sitting here thinkin how i would only fuck Rob Pattinson if he was glittery at said time.
we are going to smoke at least three blunts before we go see Cloudy with a chance of meatballs. I'm going to have my mom make us spaghetti for when we get out so can your mom make those spicy meatballs? I thought I'd give you 9 days notice so everything's perfect.
Tequila is the liquid version of celery. I lose more calories during tequila drunk and the following sexual activities than I gain by drinking it...
I get credit on the assist, you can thank me by taking a pic of her ass under the covers and sending it to me. It would make my YEAR
How could I forget your birthday? I have an alarm in my phone to ask you for sex that day.
Oh you know, sitting here in my bathing suit watching antiques road show and petting the cat. Just the usual
My dog is now used to me drunk singing and sleeps through it. I don't know how I feel about this
There is a video recording of my birth. I have seen it. It is terrifying.
I'm about to take my 7th shot and I have to to go to dinner with my grandma in an half hour. What is my life.
We were making out and truffle butter was playing in the background. I stopped mid make out session and said, "I'm really sorry but I have to rap Nicki's part."
yeah the highlight of my day was the 911 operator telling me they had frantically been trying to figure out where i was
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