he was so hot that i framed the used condom. it's not trash, it's art.
Tonight, I'm planning on being a bigger trainwreck than Britney Spears circa 2007.
I wonder if all of the nights I blacked out will be revealed to me when I die. Have you ever thought about that?
i just threw up repeatedly on the entire entire walk down A1A to the pizza place....then on the way back slipped and fell in it
All three of them were helicoptering their dicks to persuade me to take my thong off
A blow job from a tiger shark would still entail less risk to your genitals than having sex with her.
Is it really road head if took place on kayaks in the river?
Did I call him? He cried after taking my bra off. You tell me.
In 18 months of being married we've had sex with 7 different couples. Who said you can't have your cake and eat it.
I woke up this morning to my panties draped around the neck of an empty bottle of bulleit. That is the perfect visual metaphor for my life at this juncture.
In the event that Ian's ex wife asks you, tell her I'm sweet snd innocent. No reason.
sorry i got drunk at sunday brunch and force fed carrot sticks to your cat
It doesn't matter how nice the shirt you wore to the bar was, you still shouldn't have worn it to a job interview
There will be plenty of opportunity for me to sexualize Mike via VenMo.
What's a really polite way of saying "you have gravely overestimated the value of your vagina?"
Randomize
