I just saw a dog and thought "Hey! A goat!" Then realized it was a dog. Now I'm sad.
His uber religious wife caught us having anal sex in their bed..... she called us sodomites. Can you even be a sodomite if you're a girl?
You're not a sodomite. You're a whore. Tell her to get the insults right. Did she try to save you with Jesus?
She said she'd pray for me. Man, if I had just caught my husband balls deep in some ho, I'd say fuck the praying and kick her ass.
Was just shown the photos from a professional photoshoot my aunt had for their dog...not drunk enough for this...
Def ran into my elementary school babysitter at the grocery store. Still hot. And she complimented my beer choice. It feels good to still have her approval
his mom and I have the same butterfly tramp stamp. don't ask how that came up
i just remembered i chipped my tooth last night when i pulled up your pants zipper with my teeth
like he said he was barking at you while cumming in your face
Notice: I will be intoxicated and in your area this evening. To unsubscribe from my sexual solicitation list, reply 'fuck off'.
Do I like my job? I just bought 1/2 oz of pot from my supervisor at work. At a discount. And he said, "pay me whenever."
I told the DJ last night to play Third Eye Blind before 1:45 and just pointed at him as I walked away. He didn't do it and at 1:45 I just walked out pointing at him, without my friends
You said you couldn't look at me because you would have to take off your sunglasses but you can't because they're the "guides to your eyes".
Hooked up with a guy dressed as Miss Frizzle last night... Asked if I could ride his Magic School Bus
He told me that if he broke my bed my bed durring sex he would take me to ikea, but only on Monday because it's all you can eat meatballs. I think I'm in love.
He may have been a dick but he DID give me his Netflix log in. Maybe some good did come of it.
Well, if you do die, I'll bedazzle your coffin.
Randomize
