She made me go with her to get a pregnancy test since she's missed a few birth control pills. She made me park in the "expectant mothers" spot at CVS and preceded to ask if it would be in the pest control section.
New pre-game routine....wal-mart bathrooms...quality beers for free...hallelujah
i just saw a guiness commercial where the guiness was on the verge of spilling the whole time. i was on the edge of my seat scared shitless. im an alcoholic.
Were you really trying to feed me potato chips while I was sitting on the toilet?
I'm questioning the dried chocolate syrup on my tits.
Voted patient of the month again at the urgent care. I need to rethink my life choices.
Where was your thought process?
Drowning in my hangover.
You look me right in the eyes and yelled "By the power of the superglue beer sword, I designate you my driver!" I almost felt honored.
okcupid is pretty much insisting i hook up with this chick who looks like andy milonakis.
Drunkness level: fluent in olde norse
Peanut butter fills the cracks of my heart
Turns out the bartender I fucked is the bar owner. WHY THE FUCK DO I PAY FOR HALF MY DRINKS? IS SEX NOT TIP ENOUGH?
Dude I just realized i did a camper walk of shame in front of amish people. I should have asked for cheese and a home made pie to cover it up. Im just lost shopping in amish country nothing to see here
I was gonna make a strong case for you to be my midnight kiss, but poptarts sound good too
I dont think you understand. A NOODLE FELL OUT OF MY VAGINA! I DEMAND TO KNOW WHAT YOU DID TO ME LAST NIGHT!
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