we couldnt find her phone in the morning so i called it and found it under the bed. my name came up as 'regret'
we fucked to don't stop believing. most epic sex EVER.
I had to use the resin knife to take the staples out of my tax return forms. Tax returns and a search warrant?
just walk of shamed past a man riding a bike. RIDING A BIKE. what a wholesome life he must lead.
I don't even want to go. i just want to be a hermit and live in a cave with an elephant that pisses vodka
I could barely talk to the cabbie and I was text bombing everyone. They need to make an auto timer app to prevent people like me from belligerent late night harrassing. And I was seeing double... Prob would have tried to give your leg a bj and then fallen down the stairs.
You were throwing up and said, "Whipe my face, I must look presentable at all times."
If you can count on one hand the number of times you have actually, truly nearly died this month, then you are not really living yet.
i refuse to hook up with a girl that looks like drew carey.
He pissed on a police station. Then expected to not be arrested. Sounds accurate.
Vodka and Jamison is not a mixed drink
2 six inch heels, 3 big sangrias, no broken legs
Who told you that acid and Jurassic World was a good idea?
dont remember, but I'm pretty sure I was convinced that the hybrid dinosaur was satan the whole time. It was actually very spiritual
My one night stand ended up seeing me the next morning... For my interview. Guess who got a job.
You know how fear has a smell? Well turns out shame has a smell too. It's Pina colada flavored anal grease.
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