omg i can't drink anymore.. i just pulled up my dress and started playing with my vagina
I'm outside your house...sorry I feel like I don't need formal invites anymore.
We were gonna play Truth or Dare but like 10 minutes in we decided to get naked and play Dare or Get the fuck out.
I'm hoping that banging a 24 year old 3 times cancels out banging that freshman on Wednesday
Amazing. Super drunk. We stole a street sign in a golf cart and went around jousting trash cans all night.
Last night I had sex with one of the groomsmen I was in the wedding with. In a stairwell. 13 years my senior. Thinking I should retire from the bridesmaid gig.
yeah but think of how much more hungover we'd be if we didn't steal those cookies
The guy I blew last night was pierced in multiple places. I had to use extra caution to avoid my temporary filling.
Our prom king just sent me a dick pic. I know it's 10 years later but I feel like I've finally made it.
He compared my ass to "a 13 year old track star's ass." Umm WTF? Is that supposed to be a compliment? And when I questioned boy or girl he said "either."
In honor of the new administration, I'm going to make it my goal this weekend to get some lesbian action. Fuck Donald Trump and fuck Mike Pence. I'm going to be a spiteful gay.
What would I even say at the wedding? "Sorry that I still wouldn't sleep with you after four years of you trying...but hopefully my sister here isn't that stubborn" and give him an awkward pat on the back?
I just found vampire teeth and a moustache in my purse. do you know why?
why the hell are you crying over taco bell?
I broke my dick don't ask me how I need help putting in a catheter so I can piss.
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