i just renamed my vag "the sorting hat"
the doormen always congratulate him in spanish as he walks me downstairs in the morning
How much cunt could a cunt bag punch if a cunt bag could punch cunt?
He made me stop in the middle of giving him a blowjob so he could go get his glasses. because he "wanted to see". I need to stop dating nerds.
He was streaking. We were hammered. We had roman candles. It only made sense to shoot them at him.
I'm tangled in a fishing net down at the harbor. This has nothing to do with Captain Morgan. Bring wirecutters.
Life gets in the way of sexy Saturday sometimes
Bring condoms and burritos. The rest will fall into place
Sorry my hands just texted you
I forgot her safe word. It was a rough night.
I think I pulled a boob muscle during phone sex
My friend just got engaged and I'm setting vibrators on fire.
Your life rocks...
my gyno just used the expression "dick around." too far?
I found my parents stash of sex toys. You know my green one? My mom has it...in purple. I HAVE THE SAME VIBRATOR AS MY MOTHER
Omg. I'm living macklemores best life. I have someone's granddads dog, I'm about to have someone's grandmas car. I look incredible.
Randomize
