Kareoke will never be a sober sport
Dan is more possessive of me than a Michael Jackson is of McCully Caulkin
was*
True, R.I.P.
want the rest of his teeth to fall out while he slowly dies alone. Pretty sure I'm to the anger phase.
I have two stamps on my hand....ones from the bar and one is from an aquarium...care to explain?
my nipple ring is gone but someone was nice enough to replace it with a paperclip
She asked if you knew her boyfriend, and you responded that you "think you gave him head once" and then hiccupped.
omg i met someone at the bar who sells hair feathers. that are long. saved in my phone as "haiirs deather"
Too lazy to make dinner. Had chocolate and scotch instead. Check in with me in a half hour.
The ultimate Father's Day bonding experience: Both getting bailed out of jail by mom for mooning some shithead cop.
Remember that time I sent you a 5lb bag of gummie bears?
Like it was yesterday.
Apparently I had it on auto deliver. So whoever is at your apt is gonna gen an interesting delivery...
It makes showers more interesting trying to drink a gin and tonic and keep soap out of my eyes at the same time.
You need to calm down.
I'm a professor! I can't be caught chasing the liquor with you hooligans once the undergrads have seen my face
I just watched a stripper purchase $43 of Rockstar and corn nuts. Godamnit! We need helmet cams.
I think I gave the bachelor party directions to the breweries next to my dentist so that they could take me to my appointment and pick me up afterward...
my roommate woke me up with head. more awkward than it sounds.
Randomize
