i was so high it looked like the chipmunks movements were coordinated to that lady gaga song
There is a such thing as a wonderpuss octopus. Officially my new favorite animal.
It's mornings like this that make me happy to have a clean pair of underwear in my purse.
I'm drinking rum and coke straight from the 2 liter bottle.
Don't worry we found her. Somehow she ended up on my roof with 2 bar stools
Also I climbed atop a mailbox with a toilet paper hat and a wolverine claw made of glowsticks, screaming at passers-by that they were going to die. Control me
The vagina on Hilton Head is mighty fine this time of year.
When you hit the 45 minute mark of any argument about The Flintstones, you have to realize: it's no longer you arguing, it's the cocaine arguing.
Trying to figure out what I just puked. Demon weed is salad. No more drunk buffets.
After you finished the $300 bottle of wine you just started crying about how if Mulder and Scully didn't invite you to join the x-files your life would be meaningless because you "love that weird shit"
That dick was not the dick of a twenty year old
is it still the walk of shame if his dad gave me a 'thanks for sleeping with my son' head nod on my way out this morning?
In my defense, the second lapdance I gave was because of a dare.
He ate me out in the passenger seat of his Range Rover in a Tim Hortons parking lot. I could hear “oh canada” on the radio from a nearby school as I came. Most patriotic orgasm ever!
Sorry I totally pulled a home invasion on you last night
That was super inconsiderate of me
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