Did you go home with that guy without me?
Sorry boo - it's pouring and I found a boy with a car
I haven't shaved so I have to behave myself. I'm going to do this from now on.
broke, out of weed, out of gas, out of food, and my gf just left me.
you're writing country songs now?
So we sucessfully lit our bathtub on fire. Thought you should know.
I woke up covered in my own vomit with a pocket full of napkins. I guess I knew I would need them, but was not coherent enough to use them before passing out.
im just gonna turn drinking alone on new years into a tradition
Please, do not let 'babydaddy' catch on as your petname for me.
I bought a dress specifically for face plant durability... this is how serious I am about my drunk status this weekend
I went to grab his drink and my hand grazed his dick. It was magical.
FIND ME A DICK TO RIDE THAT HOPEFULLY IS ATTACHED TO A CUTE PERSON AND NICE PERSONALITY
CHALLENGE ACCEPTED. Is it okay if I only get 2 out of 3?
The D is nonnegotable.
The bartender has no bra and is giving out free shots. Call mom I'm getting married.
I'm to the point where I just want to get back at him in a hot man sex tornado way.
I'm too depressed to masturbate. This election is the worst.
it doesn't matter what you do now, you will forever be known as the girl who fell off the roof
nooooo! we need to brain storm. I need rebranding....what if I start always showing up with my cat or a wacky hat?
try again roofio
Sorry i ignored you for so long. I think my vibrator is broken.
Randomize
