Where's the Hot Mess Express headed tonight?
I hope that's not the new nickname for my friends and me.
I don't even want to talk about it, I'm traumatized. Even the dog knew to take advantage of the most intoxicated girl at the party...
I was pretending that it wasn't happening. Until we had to roll down the windows as she was vomiting apologies into a Target bag.
One reason I feel like garbage: Kraft single wine shots
You know what's worse than asking for the morning after pill? Asking for the morning after pill in a sketchy hospital in a foreign country where no one speaks English.
I'm high and reading a Wikipedia article on circumcision procedure. Help.
I came so hard I burst a blood vessel in my eye. If i cant marry this girl, I'm gonna have to switch teams.
HE'S LICKING FROSTING OFF OF THE EIGHTEEN YEAR OLD BOY
I just connected with one of your drug dealers on LinkedIn.
Well that's what you get for messing around with her vagina. I told you it was a fickle and insatiable creature.
So I'm getting really old. I feel asleep for a booty call that I initiated. The struggle is real.
In hindsight, I probably should not have let the waiter give me a chiropractic adjustment on my neck last night.
The hospital waiting room is starting to become a very familiar place to me.
There's no triumph quite like finally banging your high school boyfriend 6 years later
You challenged a dog groomer that she couldn't cut human hair ... How's the shaved head
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