I forgot i ate a salad for dinner, so while i was barfing in his toilet, i kept screaming "i ate leaves?? i cant believe you let me eat leaves!"
theres always time to masturbate. my grandpa taught me that.
Manscaping on you would be like trying to clean up the oil spill with a dixie cup.
He was such a tease, he pulled out his dick, let me touch it then put it away
Divorce is final. Doing tequila shots at 1 in the afternoon.
We made out for three hours. Then she said she didn't sleep with redheads and left the party. So yes, I'm still drinking.
The gym has a pool
my gym membership just went from "way to get in shape" to "place to go swim when I'm high"
Just say you're the husband at the front desk to get in. She's in room 15 at the ER.
what? who is this?
Is it bad that I see a party full of girls I know he has fucked as a challenge for me to be the one who ends up in his bed?
i'm currently connecting with my tribal roots aka i just found my recorder from 3rd grade music class... be ready for the recording
How soon is too soon to enter the slutty phase of this breakup?
I just picked up my phone and one shoe from the man mowing the lawn next to the ice rink. He found them in a tree.
Dude. Where are you? There's a hot chick drunkenly dancing on the bar and aggressively taking shots to Pink songs. She looks like she needs a rebound. Get. Here. Now.
FUCK NYC TRAFFIC.
My bad man. I was at a strip club, and apparently it's like a big deal to take your phone out in one of those places.
My vagina: 1 Male stubborness: 0
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