We're 3 acts into this drag show and we've already run out of Lady Gaga songs.
this homeless guy just told me to make a wish on his magic plastic spoon but said to be careful what i wish for...
i bet if teenage jesus was here he would do a shot with me
You stood in front of a yellow Camaro and kept yelling at it to "Transform already!!!!".. yeah, I'd say you were pretty wasted.
I just saved him in my contacts as "Has 2 kids.. don't drunk text"
THEY'RE. IN. YOUR. BED. THEY RANDOMLY SHOW UP. AND GET IN YOUR BED.
Going to.goingto.gtoing to DIE DIE DIEEEE......i feel like everyeone impotrant in my life like MLK is judging me.... saddd day
Maybe I'm a robot.
You can't be that drunk already
I can't be 100% sure of this but I think tonight was the first time I told a middle aged woman holding a baby to go fuck herself
So take that alcohol. I still win. I ALWAYS WIN. Plus i didn't have to wear clothes. DOUBLE WIN.
I bet, I woke up to you like naked at 4 in the morning shoving a sandwich in your face
Growing a beard is gonna make smoking a pipe look so much more majestic
nothing says "fuck you jocks from high school my life is better than yours" like bringing 5 grand in 20s to the bar
My horseshoe mustache feels at home at this bar.
Yeah, last night in the parking lot was hot. I'm sure whoever has the surveillance tapes thinks so too.
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