I feel like I've been hit by a train. I woke up this morning covered in wine, free condoms, and a sign language dictionary.
i didnt mean to paint the dog... it just kinda happened
I'd like to come home and be able to sleep in a bed that's not filled with crumbs from you getting too high and passing out while eating. This is seriously getting ridiculous.
well now i know if i ever need to drive puke and talk on the phone at the same time i can
You were making dinosaur noises while jerking me off..
I think I just fucked my first person born during the Clinton administration
My halloween constume SCREAMS "Hey i just got done with a shitty relationship and I'm DTF"
It's like a teen mom casting at the Obgyn's office. I feel great about my positive life decisions.
Rumble strips road head = magical
Apparently this is my life now. Fucking men in their 30s with small dogs.
Things you Cant unsee: When your smartphone syncs to your dads laptop and downloads photos...including his porn stash.
she sent me a picture of dilf asleep in bed with the caption "what happened last night?"
We could put on there: "Drink jager bombs and do stupid shit faster, with more energy!"
Instead of texting me to come over, she just sends me a batman symbol.
I don't care if she's a booty call. Marry her.
I just got yelled at by a stripper for being a tease.
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