A hot woman with candy. This is what heaven is filled with
I just put my retainer in and it tastes like weed
Jesus knows you're telling a lie.
Jesus stopped reading my text messages when I started drunk texting boys to hookup
god, a vagina is an amazing trump card
hah yeah. there was a kid puking in the bathroom and this idiot brings in a potted plant and was like "yeah he's like, not getting enough oxygen"
She has never blacked out. I have tried to get her to so many times. Apparently it's a lot harder than we make it out to be.
Also pencil in smooth jazz and illegal activities. The usual.
I just need to go to a bar tonight wrapped in an American flag singing the national anthem
Just woke up and my doorbell is on my nightstand... the fuck?
I haven't found him passed out in the living room covered in noodles for a while now so I guess he's getting better with the drinking.
Maybe I can find a straight girl rehab camp, like the opposite of those degaying camps, where they teach me how to love the ladies instead
Omg. I would pay ALL OF THE MONEY for that camp.
I'm pants less watching buffy the vampire slayer drinking rum. I'm not that hard to impress
EVERYBODY CALM YOUR SHIT
You are talking to me during sexting hours. Be careful, innuendos are taken seriously
Give me like 5, I have to feed a moose and find my pants.
Randomize
