remember that time i ran away from the bar and passed out in a street cot?
neither do i
Sonogram pictures belong on a fucking fridge...NOT FACEBOOK!!
I just licked the seasoning off all the doritoes in the bag. Tell me when I should stop drinking or I'll just move on to the sunchips
Theres was an instant understanding between us being drunk on the trampoline at four in the morning and the people walking down the road at the same time
Home safe. Psyche shattered. Still rolling. In love with the morrocan rug in the living room.
Also, ran into my neighbor across the street. He told me about scheduling his vasectomy. We are officially way beyond the acceptable point for asking his name again.
And then you told me I had large hands and looked like a girl who would have an illegitimate child that I never talked about
yes and no. im drunk but idk if im "blow marcus" drunk. call in like an hour.
he kept opening the car door while we were ON THE HIGHWAY and insisting he could walk. next time i drive my boss home at 3am i'm putting the child lock on
Would jacking off with Benadryl cream be good or bad for the poison oak on my dick?
Needless to say, she forgave him, they're back together, and I'm seriously considering having a lesbian year.
My entire news feed is ice bucket challenges. I wish there was a hide from feed button like FarmVille
PS: bike ride of shame at 7am includes riding by kids waiting for the school bus #classy
Good rule of thumb: only list personal references with whom you have hallucinated
He told me he was cooking me a special dinner tonight. His "five star meal" was popcorn in champagne glasses, and chic fil a sauce in jello shot containers to dip the popcorn in. He still tries to convince me he doesn't smoke weed anymore.
Randomize
