as nice as a boyfriend sounds, a relationship would require morals and self-restraint - both fields in which i lack.
momma always taught us never to change for a boy..
Dude i just want you to know that when i found you half your mustache was already gone. I didn't do it.
masturbating while the coffee brews is the new power nap
So I think his penis grew over the weekend. Is that possible or does absence make the dick grow longer?
Fat girl left in a hurry. Possibly had to do with the missing bathroom door in my apartment.
Hurricane Sex Time is the only thing iv said since it started.
Throwing up in the car while my mom drives, sister holds the bag & my dad holds my hair. This is how my family bonds.
never underestimate the power of walking into a bar alone in uv cat makeup.. took home a seven foot man
I'm drinking wine from the cap of my laundry detergent container, wearing my bed sheet as a cape. How do you think I'm taking it?
You know you have crossed to the dark side of marriage when a nap is more important than jacking off
$150 and 3 orgasms. Dogsitting is awesome.
Gonna be late for work. Sex comes first. Priorities.
I melted cheese on my pizza rolls. When I die make sure someone melts cheese on my rolls.
UGH I HATE BEING THIS WAY IM GOING TO GO HUG THE CACTUS YOU GOT ME
Sometimes you gotta do what you gotta do... and then you need to delete the history so you're girlfriend doesn't see it.
Randomize
