booty call
i swear to god if you come over i will kick you in the pussy.
I'll start drinking again when I know where I am
you threw your tampon into someones open car window...while they were driving.
In hindsight maybe we should have moved his homework instead of playing quarters on top of it.
What I wanna know is who took a picture eiffel towering her?
we just plugged the camera up to the big screen. would you like to come see what you did last night, in high definition?
I have a kicked-out-of-multiple-bars level hangover today
You are the only person I have ever seen offer your other drink to the bouncer on two fors night
Bouncers are people too...giant angry people
IF IT WALKS LIKE A MANWHORE AND QUACKS LIKE A MANWHORE, HE PROBABLY HAS VD.
It is super hard to find a good vegan dominatrix! THAT'S why I'm single
What's goes good with Everclear?
Pepto-Bismol and a sandwich.
I just want to meet a nice normal guy that doesn't want me to taze him while we have sex. . . . .is that too much to ask for?
I'm keeping him.
Sex was good?
I had to tap out three times. There aren't words for how much better than "good" that is.
woke up with a tree in my apartment. also the everclear bottle is suspiciously low
suspiciously? i think one of those explains the other
Idk I just think that seeing that man's Twitter always resulting in me looking for the whiskey is a bad sign
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