Please explain to me why I only attract Mormon guys. Just explain that to me.
I think it's God trying to counter your lustful nature. Imagine if Agnostics liked you. You'd never come out of your bedroom.
I wish life was like the Sims. Right when you're pregnant the music would play and I would just know instead of agonizing for the next two weeks.
Woke up in an unfamiliar basement in a sleeping bag with Matt to a police officer shining his flashlight in my eyes and asking me my birth date and social security number. My morning went swimmingly.
She said she was an education major and you replied with "oh I'm taking a semester off too". And we never saw her again...
The other night after we fucked we talked about Lowe's vision insurance. Never fuck a coworker.
I want to bury your face in my vagina. Possibly by force. I will try not to suffocate you though.
You should be proud. How many people can say they GAVE a stripper an std?
Where the royal fuck are you??
The depths of vodka hell.
I'm cool with a hey old buddy how have you been want to fuck me in the butt kind of thing
I had to sit there with his three fat aunts talking about a bunch of 50 Shades knockoff books.
I felt like a taxi, but my meter was running up minutes he would be eating me out that night.
My dad just accidentally taught me how to make fake IDs. I love my life.
Well ill be drunk so just come find me. Its like where in the world is Joey San Diego
if a girl cums in a dorm room and no one hears it did it really happen?
I was just informed that I asked for a glass of wine at the police station
I'm sure it would have gone very well with the cigarette you lit there.
I told her I'd rather set my hair on fire than sleep with her again. In retrospect, that was probably too harsh. My eye is still swollen shut.
Randomize
