Add "its too hot" to reasons why I don't get fucked anymore
Then we started crawling around on the floor because we couldn't get up so decided to be tigers instead. Gotta love power hour.
I told her I was team Edward. I haven't gotten laid that easy since I told your sister that I had cancer
I'm gonna answer everything she says with 'cum on da face' until she breaks up with me...great idea or greatest idea?
masturbating while the coffee brews is the new power nap
Depending on hangover severity. The fact that I can spell severity is in your favor.
I thought about puking over the balcony or the bathroom and figured the balcony seemed much funner.
Bering your kids um. Abiout tol. Throw up
I just threw up blood. Also i just remembered i got hit in the face with a 2 by 4.
And my cat won't make me food. She's a bitch
Some idiot from high school is in the hospital for bonging three beers up his ass
He should have died. Natural selection.
He said I could liberate his beef and all I could think about was how I don't eat veal for political reasons.
definitely just forgot to put car in park in front of a police officer and ran into a bush.
I wasn't going to drink tonight, but was reminded this is the anniversary of prohibition being repealed. If I don't, then I am against my profession of bartending and anti-American, right?
Boys winking, cowboys tipping their hats, old people looking disappointed.... ah, I had forgotten the unholy powers of exposed cleavage!
You are my hero.
Randomize
