I understand how i shit in my shoes, but explain why you were wearing them.
Dude, I just spun my iPhone on my boner without it falling off. I belong in cirque du soleil.
they said they heard you say put it in my butt
my mom just poured a water bottle of wine to take my dog on a walk...
Well he has that kind of carefree attitude that comes from a big penis
Just got a blowjob on the pier where my great-grandfather entered America.
Chicken wings don't come back up an through your nose as easily as you'd think
Of course drinkings involved. They don't call it alcoholism because we eat too many skittles.
All I want is to get as high as I did that time I started hallucinating that my brother was becoming a monkey and I saw my mum on every surface of your room.
How about to stay friends we only have sex on our birthdays. Maybe national holidays too. And days we get really drunk. Wanna get really drunk?
Do you know why I woke up with a half peeled lemon in my purse with a post-it that said "eat me" on it?
Woke up with champagne in my hair and honey mustard on my hands. Strangely, I'm okau with this
You've lost booty call privileges between the hours of 10pm and 8am.
After the first time we had sex he kept saying "I'm proud of you" over and over again
I feel asleep with my contacts in, with my arms wrapped around a bottle of vodka. Also... Do we have class today?
Randomize
