Tell me the dirtiest joke you know
Sarah Palin
god, I love you
Gay TA. Finally going to boost my GPA your way.
As punishment for throwing up on my car, I am holding your phone hostage until the morning. You can read this message after I drop it off.
My cab driver just started a conversation with "Three years ago I pleaded guilty..." Check on me later tonight please.
That and I was watching this life alert commercial and I'm pretty sure my liver turned up the volume for more information
We had a threesome and he gave us bottle rockets and a lamp for our apartment
He said the pain stops when I get my shit together and stop being a drugged out alcoholic mess. Could have just said no.
I feel like my map app knows I'm hungover and is strategically not driving me by fast food places so I cannot stop
She took a six hour road trip with me so I could have revenge sex with my ex's brother. That is the definition of a best friend.
I'm going to have to include Angry Orchard in my thesis acknowledgements
I've decided if you aren't here in fifteen minutes I'm leaving you for Mario the 75 year old Colombian bartender.
Woman doing my Brazilian right now says to tell you she says hi...what has our life come to?
I think I hear the ice cream truck
I could be going crazy though
NO IT IS THE ICE CREAM TRUCK IT'S ALMOST AT YOUR STOP
You're having marijuana delivered to you. You're buying drugs and you aren't even leaving the house. I'm sure he'll be surprised if you're NOT wearing a bathrobe.
I feel like you should store your weed in something that suits your personality. For example mines in a hollowed out disney princess book.
Randomize
