He's marrying her, which means that she is his most important person in the world, so you gotta deal with it...okay?
I came back to the apartment and he was waiting for me, covered in mustard.
needless to say I left
No, I'm not okay. Girls are wearing BUMPITS here.
no, i'm not a lesbian.. i just really want to fuck you while drinking, thats normal in a friendship.
I realize now that I left my pants on that table in the downstairs bathroom at you house on Tuesday....
I know it was you that I fucked last night... I can smell my disappointment all over the sheets
Change of plans. Theres a bouncy castle setup in my apartment complex.
oh wow I have been there. Hell one time Matt and I woke up naked with pizza rolls in the bed.
My girlfriend is studying for the MCAT by watching The Magic Schoolbus. There go my dreams of being a househusband.
My day in three words: secret purse cake
My mom just called hysterical. She and her sister found my dead grandma's vibrator.
The apple don't fall far from that tree.
I just shotgunned a beer and my lipstic didnt BUDGE. MERICUHH
I probably would do him if given the chance but how awkward would Bible study be after that.
Have you ever looked at someone and thought…oh honey, you're too pretty for an ankle monitor
The weekend was a blur. There was vodka and penises and orgasms. I played a game of Cock Roulette and won big
Randomize
