if you don't open the door right now liz is going to get pregnant
Last night after we fucked, I washed my vag in vodka so I wouldn't get an STD
Or, you could have used a condom
I don't appreciate you drunk dressing passed-out me in spandex for bed
If the EMT's ask later... I had 5 hour energy for breakfast and Four Loko for dinner... It might be important for them to know that
I kinda volunteered your dick to help her deal with her virginity issues. Figured you wouldn't mind.
Although I wish I was out drinking, this cough syrup has me slightly more optimistic than usual.. I heavily debating trying to find mystical creatures and selling them to rich people as pets
It was like the perfect storm of bad decisions.
Eh maybe I should give her a chance. Let's see where making a porno takes the friendship
If there was a bread and water delivery truck id make sweet hungover love with it.
Drive by water balloon fight on $500,000 boats ended when someone threw a dildo
I was riding him and in the middle he literally said "fuck yeah, Amy Winehouse"
And on the first day of my adult job, I matched with one of my co workers on tinder...
That moment when a stripper is the one that makes the two of you have to define the status of your relationship...
I turn into such a nice and loving person when I take Vicodin
Girl behind me in line at CVS was getting impatient then outta nowhere blew up shouting that if she didn't get her plan B soon she might be a mom and that if we couldn't tell she'd be a horrible mom
Randomize