Do you not remember dry humping your dog for 20 minutes at oxfest dude?
then you gave the doctors and nurses bloody high fives
i thought they made a 7-hour walmart run, but they were actually in jail.
I made him breakfast and we cuddled on the couch watching march of the penguins, which is, in case you were unaware, the opposite of fucking on a pool table
I baptized my dog in my pool last night because he snapped at my party guests, how was your night?
Best part? I know that the likelyhood of this turning into an intimate relationship is like 4.25%
And now thanks to shrooms we all got a terrifying glimpse of what goes on in his head. I will not say I didn't see it coming when it turns out he made a suit out of people's skin
Hide in the closet. if you hear me yell patato salad come out swinging.
Most men with as many freckles as you aren't vagina magnets. You are an exception to your kind.
I drank it. I drank the beer from '78. I drank my bday beer, I drank my soul
It takes a special kind of man to fart REALLY loudly right before entering a woman and still get some. This has been a state of bootytown address.
Check 'smoke weed with our ihop waiter' off of our To-Do List
If he doesn't fuck you on the 4th of July, he doesn't really love this country.
BOOM BITCH SERVES YOU RIGHT I HOPE YOU SHIT YOURSELF PETER PAN
Who put my cat in the fridge?
Randomize
